Hey everybody its been a long time since i been on mindsay just ive been so damn busy u know.. But today i just dont feel like a happy person anymore and i think it ran out.... it may be just me being bi polar but i just feel really dpressed and nutin is right and never will be.... i mean one thing that gets me down is my mom has breat cancer and my dad is being such a total dick too my mom and my dad has changed way to much over the summer he hasn't been home that much so its just ussually me and my mom and i dont wanna leave her cuz i dont like it when shes alone and i know how it feels.... just my dad is a really different person and i dont even know him anymore..... most of the time he harrasses my mom and i stick up for her and it just breaks my heart how my dad is so ruthless... i mean before he was a really nice guy and cared about everyone and now when someones cry hes like look at that fag or w/e whenever i hear him say that oo i just wanna beat the hell out of him until he stops breathing... but i still love him too death u know.... but thats all im gunna say wats wrong wit me theres a whole list of shit but im just kinda not in the mood to type anymore on here......

I dunno lately alot of shit has been going through my head like the people who died in my life people say just get over it and just forget about it but im not gunna forget about the ones i loved in life, the candles that were lit in my life but once they died the candles just got blown out and got lost in darkness and stil am lost and i dont know if ill ever get that light back.... im soo lost i almost just blew my light and just give up and lay down wit the ones i loved..... just theres other shit is wrong wit me even had many friends i used to feel i was having a perfect life even though people were dying i thought i could get away from this but i was wrong once i made these friends i lost more and more friends and now im left with a couple of friends just glad people care about me soo much and they think im a perfect friend but im far from perfect i ant even close to being normal especially my g/f says im perfect in her mind but i know i ant..... i just dont know wat to do anymore:'(

everytime i think of u i just become more sorrowful... never thought u wouuld act this way of me trying to do right... you always forgot wat i try to do and yell at me saying it makes no sense and i already tell u wat its about.. then i have to repeat over and over again wat its about just cant take it anymore... saying im doin this for nutin i told u this will take a long time.... everytime im by u just doesnt feel right anymore just feel restlessness in me and feel weak..... just have to drink away or slit the pain away.... i got more problems on my mind also soo never think its all about you... yur just one problem..... i have no other way to get better im sorry. everytime i think about it i cry for hours in my room and slitin my body hopin the pain to go away..... i have no other way to solve this problem im sorry im a disapointment... For a while i was a guardian angel watchin over u helpin u get through bad times but i just lost my wings and become sumtin else.... just became a fallen angel scarred do to my own problems...... im a failure im sorry but in the end youll be all ebtetr wit out me....

Wow what i day another normal day just bein ol sad me u know.... that is like the only thing that happened only had a lil cig today thats normal surprise i didnt take like 3 of em wooo damn nicotene. Then today at 2:10 the had to go to a school assembly with the gong show man i want it to be the bong show and see who can take the biggest rip from a 4 foot bong hehhe that would be funny but too bad thats illegal huh...... Then i went to mikes and listened to some music kinda laid there bein dpressed and listenin to dpressing music mike wasnt there becuz he had some other thing to do but i go there after school and no one else was even there accept mikes dog gizmo.... but damn sad day but im surprised i only broke down at mikes  for 1 hour and 30 min and a lil bit when i got home.... and now im sittin on my ass cryin a lil bit wow i ussually freak out everyday and start burst out crying but now its just a lil tears compared to before..... and would cut myself also so today i kinda did ok... but wish no one cared about me cuz im not that great at all.... in the end i just hurt u so y is it worth even meetin me u know im just sorrow itself and i just spread it all over like a fuckin plague but the only way to put out a plague is to completly quarantine it and put it out or kill it...... i wanna quarantine myself just becuz im hurtin others and just making me feel worse about it and i cant fuckin stop this shit unless i just put myself away from others...

I have a friend name zach... i think im becoming into what he is right now very dpressed pill-poppin and drunk pretty much all the time.... have no repect in myself and just doesnt care anymore..... never thought me and zach were the same but i guess we really are in many ways... and also want to die to end our lives so we dont have to go through pain and sadness no more. i want that no more i tryed so many times people say i never try hard enough but i fucking doo. You live my fucking life. You fucking live being poor u live being with a mom that wants to die becuz of their own son(me). U live a life with so much death in yur life. you live with major depression. have u ever been fucking suicidal.. you try to see dpression all day and you ever help people and dont get shit back... if u did welcome to my life. im just slowly fading away and i let go of life and want no part f it no more i dont want no more pain... i want no more shit... if u wanna kill me i dont care youll just be doin me a favor..... so if u want to just email me... ill be happy then

Just other shit is on my mind i think im actually dying. Just every day i feel weaker and weaker and more and more depressed y has god made me like this why does he leave one of his lost children fade like this.Does he hate me? or does he love me? Why can't he save me from this shit y cant he make everything better again. I thought he was to help you make life better for yurself and others but i end up doing all the work with him not bein by my side. What have i done wrong?? All ive done is help others and try to be good to other people. I try so hard but it doesnt even matter anymore. I give up on life i dont wanna live no more.. Smite me almighty Smiter. Just kill me now!!!!!